Aftermath of an impossible dream
by x3lldanierallsanllx3
Summary: After the Library, the Doctor has a lot to think about. When he realized he said the wrong answer to his companion, it was too late to erase the effects it had on her. The TARDIS lets him know something is going on in Donna's room. [Warning, this is shippy, so if you don't like that, don't click this.]


**Hello, this was prompted as Angust, in my tumblr account. I may have tweaked a bit with the concept.. anyways, i hope you enjoy it. By the way... this is intended to feel shippy but within the boundaries of canon so... i dunno what you'll make of that...**

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It had been hours since they had returned from The Library and got back to the Time Vortex. The both of them had decided to not quite talk about their whole experience just quite yet, at least not without having a nice cuppa to go along with it, so the Doctor had let Donna to her own devices and remained in the console room, just sitting on the jump seat.

He needed the time to think about what had happened there, the whole situation, not only the mistakes and decisions. Oh he had a bit of thinking when he was chained before, but all he could think about was the sacrifice that had transpired down there. That mysterious woman who knew his name and that he would meet somewhere along his timeline, the woman whom he had somehow given his screwdriver to.

He had been too absorbed in that topic even when he met Donna after it. If he had been more observant he could have seen her grim expression, the sadness in her eyes, and that self-deprecation that somehow had nested inside his brilliant companion. He made a grave mistake back there, with just one word everything he had build within her, the real confidence and not just the brave front she put around herself, had been wrecked.

The Doctor couldn't help the heavy sigh that left his parted lips. He hadn't been fully listening when she told her a few facts about what had happened to her, too immersed in his probable future to listen to, what he knew now, what was more important, the present. But he had time now, to put his feelings in order, to push them to the back of his head or to bring them in attention and dissect every thought before him.

When he saw the node slowly turning in his direction, when he heard those 11 words over and over, his hearts stopped. As he thought about it, he could feel the twin organs trying to replicate that moment. He could feel it now, that sense of despair that overcame him. He was left paralyzed in the spot, hand reaching to her face. Donna Noble's face. His companion's face. His dead companion's face.

It was too much at the moment, even if his superior mind could connect thoughts and ideas faster than most species; he was helpless, vulnerable even. Of course, he knew he cared for her, a lot. Even if he was a little ashamed to admit it, mostly because he cared for every companion, she was one of his favorite people in the universe. And that was saying a lot considering all his travelling miles.

He was still deducing all this, thinking about her deeper than any other time, when a light on the console started blinking furiously. He stood up as quickly as he could and reached for the screen.

- "What? …What is it Old Girl?"-The TARDIS was showing him a view of the corridor that leads to Donna's room, right across from his.

-"Donna?"-As soon as he whispered her name, a piercing sound escaped from the ceiling. Covering his ears, the Doctor run out of the room while asking telepathically to his ship to stop the noise.

As he was reaching the corridor, his mind started to wander to all sort of possibilities. What if she fainted and hit her head? What if her room was on fire? What if she realized she didn't want to travel with him anymore? As soon as he thought that, his converse clad feet came to a stop. He couldn't be alone, not now. And she couldn't either, he realized now, at least until the heartache was over, she could at least concede him that. After all they had been through in The Library, and before that… no, they couldn't part ways when they were so… perfect for each other. The Doctor would've pondered on that specific train of thought, if he hadn't remembered that somehow Donna needed him right then.

So he continued to run for her door, he realized everything was too quiet, except for the regular sounds that travelled through his ship. Seeing the door to her room, he was starting to raise his hand ready to knock on her door, when he realized calling her would be probably better.

-"Donna, is everything alright?"-His soft voice echoing due to the short distance between him and the door. Waiting for a few seconds and not hearing anything, he called again.

-"Donna, I'm going to come inside to make sure you're fine."-As he ended the sentence, he heard the noise of someone getting up from bed; he could also hear a bit of annoyance in her struggle to do so. Wondering why she was struggling in the first place, he backed a little when he heard her coming near to the door.

-"I'm… alright Doctor I just… hurt my knee with the bloody nightstand. You don't have to worry, I'm fine, me."-It would have been difficult to see through her annoyed voice for anyone, except he wasn't anyone and he knew her better than what she thought he knew. In her pauses, he could read indecision, like she wasn't sure that was the real reason of her pain; in her reassurance, he could see she didn't think of herself important even while in such state. So he sighed and chose his words.

-"That's rubbish, as the official tour guide on this Journey through time and space, It's my duty to check on every passenger that's injured, even if the cause of it is just furniture. So let me in, or I'll find a way in."-He had to throw a bit of a threat there; he knew she would bite the hook.

-"This door is mahogany; the Sonic-thing can't get you in, so we both know that's an empty threat, Spaceman."-However, as she said such words, the Doctor could her hear reaching for the handle of the door. Taking a step back, he saw as Donna opened the door. She was still dressed with the same clothes she had been wearing before, only her hair was down and loose from her ponytail.

Even while hiding something from him, the Timelord couldn't help to stop his thinking process to appreciate the shade of her beautiful hair. Seriously, why was it that ginger people were teased and bullied in Earth? He couldn't think why, but it was probably envy.

Leaving his thoughts about her hair, his eyes reached hers and tried to see beyond them, only to find that they should have had that conversation hours ago, since he was sure she had been about to cry before he called for her.

-"You see? I'm fine, I really did hurt my knee, see?"-She said as she shifted her weight to her right leg, wincing from the subtle pain and quickly going back to her first stance. As Donna raised her head, the look on her face changed to confused and asked him:

-"Wait… how did you know I was hurt? Have you been spying on me?"- When her words left her mouth, she backed a little into her room, a similar expression to that of the mating-mates conversation on her face. No, not mating-mates. Travelling friends, good friends. Realizing he should answer before blushing pink, he said:

-"What? Nono, it was the TARDIS! She let me know something was going on."- Looking a bit surprised, a little fond smile adorned her face; the Timelord couldn't hold his own smile as he saw her reach her hand and touch the wall next to her.

-"So, Donna, would you like to accompany me for a cuppa in the kitchen?"-he knew outside her room wouldn't be the best scenario for the conversation they needed to have, so he did the same gesture when they had that adventure in the 20's, he offered her his arm and threw one his cheeky smile's at her, left eyebrow and all. She snorted a little at his antics, but nevertheless, looped her own arm around his, a very small smile on her pouty lips. He was thinking about that last remark, when he saw her wince again as soon as she took a step forwards.

-"I think maybe a visit to the med bay first would be preferable?"- As soon as he said that, she made an annoyed sound.

-"I'm fine you prawn, it was only that nightstand, I swear!".- He knew that she was telling the true in a way, but he would be a bad tour guide if he didn't offer any ailment.

So they kept walking slowly, talking nonsense like only they would know. Talking a lot and saying nothing at the same time. By the time they were seated around the kitchen table, each with their own mug before them, the Doctor was ready to listen to her.

-"So what happened, truly? I'm listening very carefully this time, I swear"-The Doctor could see her fidgeting a little, doubting slightly on what to say. Reaching across the table and putting his hand over her arm, he smiled at her, all soft eyes and trusting expression. She was touched by the gesture and looked at him, as deep as he was doing. In moments like those, the Doctor could only wonder if there was something in their bond he couldn't see yet, because it felt like they knew each other better than anyone once knew another person.

Back to the kitchen table, he could see she was ready to talk.

-"I told you before I was in a sort of… perfect dream world. Things seemed to be real in the way you feel dreams are before you wake up. I told you I was married back there, to this good man called Lee, which apparently wasn't real and I made him up…obviously."-Again he could feel a jab of regret in his gut, as he saw her cast her eyes down to her mug. He was so stupid; he shouldn't have said what he did. As he felt regret, he felt something else… he couldn't think about it though, as he was trying to get his companion to feel at ease again.

-"We can't be sure, he could have been real.. I bet he was real, I can look him up in some archives if you want..?"-But trying to erase his mistake wasn't enough; she was shaking her head no.

-"You don't have to. Even if he was, he wouldn't want to be with me, not after how patronizing I was about his stutter. Oh god, I'm such an idiot."- Watching her cover her face with her hands in shame, he tried to calm her down.

-"It's ok Donna. Was it really you? I mean, you said it was dream like, so … I don't know, when we dream we say and do many things we wouldn't in reality. Maybe…"- Suddenly she lowered her hands and stopped him.

-"No, It was me. It doesn't matter now. I know one thing for sure though."- Looking into her eyes again, he could see a fire in them, she was certain of what she was going to say.-"When I looked for you that time… I decided what I really wanted to do, and that was to travel the universe, no matter what I left behind. You understand?"- He wanted to say yes, but he wasn't completely sure of what she meant. So she looked harder at him, and there he saw it. A fact that was there all along but he never noticed. She knew travelling with him meant to leave behind a normal life, or a chance to find love and get married and all the things she wanted when they first met in the TARDIS. The Doctor knew otherwise though, first hand even. Some of his companions left him when they found their other-half. Without searching, they found them and they stayed with them.

Somehow that thought, made him hurt a little. But why? Had he taken Donna for granted that she would always be travelling with him? Or was it the thought that even in that mentality she could find someone and leave him? Once again he was hit with the possibility of her leaving him, and it hurt more than before.

-"Oi! Are you listening timeboy?"- Donna's voice brought him back to their conversation. Realizing he had been thinking selfishly, he hadn't quite thought what that meant to her.

-"But… you mean… that means you…why?"-Getting closer to her over the table, he tried looking into her eyes again, but in the last second she averted her eyes. Sighing heavily she said in a strange voice, a voice he only got to hear after a bad situation for them.

-"You know, I had kids in that world. They were good, healthy children. One of them was ginger, you know? It must have been stupid coincidence, considering there were only those two children in that world over and over."-Her expression turned sour, one of her hands slipped from the mug and hit the table in a subtle movement.

-"Still, I felt I loved them, I really did.. with all my heart. So I guess…"-he could hear it in her voice, what her eyes didn't show yet. The pain, the unshed tears from before.-"When I got back here, I tried not to think much about it, but I guess…when I hit my knee earlier, I couldn't help but think about…"- Slowly, the tears made an appearance, tracing their path all the way down to her cheeks. Her shoulders started to shake, as the timelord could hear the hitches in her voice.

-"Think about my Ella and how was she feeling after she hurt her knee, and then I remembered… she's not real, she never was… she was only my last wish for the family I know I'll never have…"- It was in that moment, when the Doctor stood up and quickly got to her side. He kneeled, and took her hand in his, searching for her eyes with his own.

-"Why are you saying that? Even travelling with me you could find…"- Suddenly she turned around, glassy eyes looking at him. Something in them was wavering, like if they couldn't decide to transmit anger or sadness.

-"Why? I had to make up a perfect man to have a good life, remember?"-At those words, he felt the weight of his guilt; he had been so careless to not listen to her at the time. He could feel her trembling harder.-"Have you looked at me? What kind of people do you think I could attract? All the blokes I've been with were…!"-She was fully crying now; the Doctor finally understood what she meant with the "decent men" comment back in the 20's. It seemed his Donna had only had bad experiences in the matters of love. Reaching for her quickly, he put his arms around her, head resting on his shoulder. She tried to struggle out of his embrace, but he didn't let her.

-"Donna, those men didn't deserve you. No, hear me a little"-She tried to tell him otherwise, but after what he said last, she kept quiet.

-"Every experience shapes us into what we are now. Bad and good, they help to build us. You are the most compassionate person I know, and you have saved me and many others with your kindness. All the bad in your past made you be this way. It's true, you have flaws too, but don't we all? You know better than most that I'm not perfect, and that I've made lots of mistakes."- He could feel it now, that sense of dread he always pushed to the back of his mind. All the people that he could have saved but didn't, all the rushed decisions he took, his people… all of it. All the people he lost one way or another. He would have drowned if she hadn't stopped him; he would have in his shoulders the burden of causing the tragedy of Pompeii, and so many other problems would be a constant weight in his soul; but she made him lighter, she made him feel like he could breathe again, after being alone in the dark.

-"You really are brilliant. And I promise you that when you meet that person, I'll make sure he's good enough for… my beautiful and kind companion."- As he said those words, he felt that emotion again, was it jealousy? Would he really have the strength to let her go? All he knew, is that he had come to feel as if they belonged together, but did it mean something else? If it was, he would have to deal with his feelings by himself. She made sure before that she didn't like him that way.

-"You are just saying that…"-Her cries had stopped, but her red-rimmed eyes and read nose held the proof of her action. As she had started talking, she had raised her head from his shoulder; looking directly in his eyes, she said: "… But you forgot I told you before… I gave that up the moment I knew I wanted to travel with you… forever.".

As an honest smile grew in her face, the Doctor felt his hearts beating faster. He had heard such promise before; it hadn't ended well, but he would do all in his power to stay with her. He knew she could change her mind, as fickle as humans were, but if he could be with her for 2 or 3 more years, it would mean everything to him. Realizing he had been staring at her too long without saying anything, he took her in his embrace again, and whispered in her ear; all soft words and shaking voice.

-"You are loved, Donna Noble. You are important, because you matter to me more than I can explain without breaking into tears. So please, stay with me as long as you want, and forgive me. Because I didn't mean what I said back there… You deserve the best, so I'll try to give you that."- With every word uttered, he could feel her hands grasping his suit tighter, closing in the fabric in a death grip. Muttering somewhere close to the space between his shoulder and his neck, he heard her say:

-"You are a big outer-space dunce, you knew that?"- Giggling slightly for the first time after what it felt like hours, Donna joined him. A few minutes later, they let go of each other, smiling brightly. The doctor stood up from the floor and said:

-"I think it's time we check that knee, don't you think? Doctor's orders."-Smiling at his companion, he offered her his hand.

-"Alright, Spaceman, only if we can have some movie night later. No banana split though, some grapes will do."-Nodding at her request, he saw her turn in her seat to stand up. Taking his hand in hers, she hoisted herself up, with some effort due to her knee.

-"Do you want me to carry you?"-At her death glare, he raised his free hand to indicate it was alright if she didn't want to.

-"Get off! I can walk just fine, see?"-As she shifted her weight again, her pressing her lips didn't escape the Doctor's observant gaze.

-"Alright, alright. Let me just hold your hand in case you trip."- Gripping his fingers tighter in hers, he threw a soft smile at her. Conceding defeat, Donna just nodded and let him lead the way. When they reached the door to the med bay, Donna realized he had been drawing circles on the back of her hand with his thumb; but she would never know that the circles had meaning, and that he had written "Loved" with every step.

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**Thanks for reading! i hope that wasn't too horrible D: critics and other kinds of reviews are welcome! If you could help me improve, i would love it :) have a nice day.**


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